FINALLY…It’s Here…by Sebastian Peppermint

Earlier this month police officers in Mold, North Wales seized chemicals and lab equipment supposedly used to produce and manufacture the infamous, - Crystal Meth. A drug spoken about yet sparsely seen in this country, the Sasquatch of the British drug world if you like.

Having long been endorsed by US celebrities such as illiterate black punch bag, Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas and the bulimia boasting vermin of vomit Nicole Ricthie, it still remains somewhat of an anomaly in this country. So with Tony Blair leaving office, the Iraq war getting boring and terrorism off the boil it seems like the perfect time for our nation to adopt this ‘super-amphetamine’ as our own.

While apparently fairly prominent in the UK gay scene, Crystal Meth was originally developed by Nazi’s in World War II to help soldiers stay alert and compulsively focussed ( as well as emotionally sterile and psychotically aggressive – bless ‘em). This twitchy, paranoia inducing white gold has also been blamed as the reason our beloved American F-16’s pilots altruistically eviscerated those dumb ol’ expendable Blighty soldiers in Iraq. “Whaaaat? OMG. It was totally liiike friendly fire and stuff…”

With a high that lasts longer than any drug (fact, ask your local gay) its no wonder its been such a rip-roaring success in South East Asia, Australia and New Zealand. In fact it must be the first thing that’s caught on and been nationally successful Down Under, before here, in the history of mankind. Bar the massacring of our indigenous people, of course. Although I guess we shouldn’t get on our high horse too quickly but in all fairness we tended to exert our military prowess overseas and not shit on our doorstep.

Indeed in NZ, in particular, the drug is something of a national treasure. After originally flying out of laboratories and kitchens as the drug of choice for the Kiwi elite, ‘P’ has now done what they wouldn’t allow the Maori’s to accomplish and peacefully transcended all socio-economic groups in a non-discriminate and highly hospitable manner.

Indeed some antipodean geezer I met at a party in Dalston (nhjic) informed me that the government are actively looking to increase the importing of coke and chin swingers to distract Kiwi’s from their darling national leisure pursuit. Why have corned beef hash when you can have steak, aye bro?

Well if the raids in Mold and newspaper / internet reports are to be believed it wont be long before tabloid led moral panics begin to envelope the UK with scare tactic hysteria. Well look on the bright side, with psychotically violent, homosexual Nazis as the focal point of the red tops attention, illegal immigrants and Muslim communities will be dancing in the streets.